It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know how to fix it.

There’s a pain in my chest, and it’s duller now, but it feels like my body is going to collapse into itself.  It feels like I’m imploding, or deteriorating into myself.  I’m caving in.  It knocks the air out of me, throws away thoughts and emotions until the only thing I can think about, the only thing I can feel, is the implosion.

I combat it differently now, new weapons and toys to bring onto the battlefield, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still there, and I’m so afraid, so terrified that those weapons, my new allies, all those new soldiers in the front line will fail, that eventually they’ll grow old and stale.  That this problem, this virus, will mutate and adapt around it to the point where this new strategy will be completely obsolete.

I don’t want to lose this, and I can already feel it slipping away.

I don’t want this to become a memory, I don’t want to become a memory.

I was happy, god dammit, for 10 whole complete days I was happy.  Song and dance would just explode out of me, I bounced on walls, danced on my heels, and I hid nothing.  I was alive.  And somewhere between day 1 and now, I’ve stopped whistling.

Now the question isn’t if something else will go, it’s what will go next?

I’m trying really hard to be happy because I don’t want to lose this, I don’t want to lose them.  For the first time in my life I felt right, so completely right, like I knew where I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to be, who I was.  I poured my soul into my experience and they greeted me with open arms and open hearts.  I happily returned the favor, and on the second to last day of the trip, my friend looked at me and told me she found herself.

And I think I did too.

I just don’t want to lose that.

My home coming was a reality check.  I woke up, the first day back, and ate breakfast alone.  I ate it alone for the first time in 10 days.  I’ve never felt so empty before.  It was like I didn’t know what I was missing until I had it, and then it was taken from me, stripped away until I had nothing left.  I ate breakfast in silence.

And everyday it feels like something else is taken from me.  Even though all the physical things have been gone for awhile, I’ve held onto everything I could, I don’t want to lose it, but everyday it strikes me that more and more things are missing.  I feel like I’m slowly returning to my limbo.

I’m lost.

And I’m trying so hard to be like that here, to be every part of me that was there at that conference here, to enjoy every moment of my time, to embrace the beauty that the world has to offer, I’m trying so hard at home, at life, in reality.

But I don’t know how long I can hold on for, it’s so difficult, it’s so draining and it just brings that dull pain back.

It seems to hurt a little more everyday.

I still have some fight in me though, and I’ll keep it up for as long as I can.

That’s what I keep telling myself.

But why do I want to make them proud?

The only time they are part of my motivation is when it’s against them.

I want to get out.

I don’t tell them that.  I tell them I’ll come back, I’ll visit, I’ll send them money.

And I will

out of responsibility.

Not out of love.

Sometimes I catch myself looking at the mirror and asking myself if I love them.

I can’t bring myself to answer that question

because I know the answer, I just don’t want to say it outloud.

Sometimes I ask myself if they love me.

I know the answer to that too.

There’s no reason for me to be here.

I don’t know where my head’s at.  I don’t know if I’m sane, insane, stable or  unpredictable…

I’m just off.

And I think I’ve always been.

I think we’re all off, we’re all messed up, we’re all unstable, it’s just sometimes we like to pretend we aren’t, or everyone else pretends we aren’t because no one wants to deal with it.  No one wants to believe it because believing that someone else can be messed up means that you can be too.

I think we’re all human, and I think we all know.  My eyes may be closed but I’m not blind and you aren’t either. We just don’t know what to do about it because we are disconnected to people or to the subject.  If I don’t understand it, I don’t understand it and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I don’t understand anything.

I’m not empathetic, I want to be, I’ll stand by you, I’m a Hufflepuff through and through and I’ll help you anyway I can but most of the time people need what I can’t offer them.

I can’t really offer anyone anything anymore.

Because I have nothing.

I kind of feel like a shell, I laugh and smile and joke and my brain is working, my body is working, I am alive but sometimes I’m not there.

Maybe it’s more accurate to say that my vision is becoming more and more focused, that I can’t see past my scope, that the majority of life is being lost to one of my blind spots.  Sure I can turn my head but most of the time I don’t and I don’t know why.

I guess what I’m saying is, I can see you but you just have to wait for me to turn my head.

Right now my eyes are facing towards the ground and I don’t know when they’ll look up again.

My head is heavy.

I have a bunch of stuff I put on backlog that I wanted to post but couldn’t because of our site issues but now I can!

Here’s a little something I wanted to blog about a few days ago.  It’s about deadweek, which is what we lovingly refer to our last week of school as.

It’s written in a different style than usual but I wanted to experiment (Keep in mind that I wrote this a few days ago, also the tenses are totally screwed up):

DeadWeek:

Day 1.

Tuesday June 8th.

Welcome to Dead Week

Dead Week started yesterday but everyone agrees that today is the real first day of deadweek.  We don’t have classes.  Not one, and school ends at 12:30.  All anyone ever really does is dick around in the center and break every rule known to man.

You know, if they even show up to school in the first place.

I always do, because you can’t just skip deadweek.  It’s important, it’s the last time you see your friends again at school before summer begins and there’s the yearbooks.

8:00

Bored, there’s only a few scattered people at school.  I spent most of my time just lollygagging around.  My friends are asleep on the table, they’re only here because they catch the bus to school.  My other friends are discussing something uninteresting to me.

8:30

After wandering around aimlessly for a while I stop to chat with my friend Erin.  She’s on the computer looking up ways to remove ink from one of her textbooks.  I laugh.

The yearbooks start getting passed out.  We get them for free, it’s nice, I don’t get up to grab one yet though.  The line’s too long.  I wait for fifteen minutes or so.

Before I really get a chance to look at mine my counselor pulls me in for a chat.  I’m her TA and I help her tally up interests for classes next year.  This takes me about an hour.

9:30

I wander over to a small little nook that the majority of my DA (That’s deviant art, not Dumbledore’s Army) buddies are frantically signing each other’s yearbooks.  I am immediately bombarded with three.

My brothers (they’re actually just friends but they might as well be my bros) Miles and Theo joke about how long it takes me to sign a yearbook.  They’re talking about how they’re waiting for an essay.  I don’t write essays per say, but I do write long messages.  H.A.G.S just doesn’t do it for me and each person means something different to me.  I like to personalize it so every message is different, some are similar but they are never the same.

I always try to drop an inside joke in.

Suddenly the yearbooks pile up and I have at least 5 in my backlog whilst I still work on my first one.

The next hour and a half is spent frantically trying to write meaningful messages quickly, which is really difficult because you never want to rush it.  I never want to rush it.

Everyone jokes about the long wait and pokes fun at me (and each other) at the same time.  That’s fine because I’m poking fun at them in their yearbooks.

Halfway through the yearbook signatures I start to end every message with “MICHELLINATOR OUT” because I think it’ll be funny.  It’s well received.

A lot of my messages are full of jokes, last year I wrote what I thought about them on the inside and it was mostly serious.  I try to keep it lighthearted this year.  It puts a smile on their faces.

Good, that’s exactly what I want them to do.

Andrea, a friend of mine (who stalks this blog apparently) says that everyone loves my messages when they’re still talking about my backlog.

I am flattered.

That means more to me than any of you will ever know.

I haven’t looked at my yearbook yet.  There are still a lot of yearbooks to fill and people keep coming up to our nook to get more people to sign.  I’m enjoying every minute of it.  It’s amazing how many inside jokes I have with people.  Even though school is boring and nothing huge and eventful happen, it’s the little jokes and conversations that make up a big part of your life.  I like that I finally get a chance to express it in writing.  They seem to like it too.

10:45ish

I’m finally done and I finally get a chance to read my yearbook.  The group by the nook is a little smaller due to everyone leaving to get more signatures from their other friends or having to go to their LLC’s.  I leave after I finish reading over my book and run off to get more signatures from other people.

Casual acquaintances start to approach me for signatures and we trade yearbooks.  These messages are a lot shorter but still personalized.  It’s a little difficult at times because I don’t always know what to say but I think it’s the most I’ve said to a lot of them all year.  We keep casual conversations as we sign, asking about each other’s summers and things like that.  Small talk.  It’s nice.

11:45ish

This is where the screwing around comes into play.  After we finish up our last yearbooks signatures we end up joking around with each other for one of the last times this year.  I found myself back in the nook again with a large group of the people I call friends.  We’re soaking each other up.  Making last jokes, but the nostalgia hasn’t kicked in yet.  We’re still creating rather than looking back.

They’re laughing, several of them are singing and we don’t really mention the summer.  We just talk about the now, it’s just like any other school day only without the stress of school work.  We don’t talk about classes because classes are DONE.  We just talk about what’s going around us right now.  It’s nice because we finally feel free for the first time since the first day of school.  We’re extremely comfortable with each other.

After all I’ve endured at school this year, this is my pay off.  This laughing and joking and being together.

This is my pay off.

Group Photo

They start to pick each other up, spinning each other around.  I’m shouting loudly but no one seems to care.  I make another joke, one that’ll last us through the summer.  Tasha has a new nickname.  Everyone laughs.

I notice Theo and Miles doing something stupid.  Elizabeth states that they are OTB – one true broship.  We all agree.

When Tasha is finally let back onto the ground after being passed from person to person bridal style she approaches me about her nickname.

I insist Andrea started it.

Tasha blames her instead of me.

I’m grinning from ear to ear.

12:30

School ends, I’m talking about how awesome I am in a slightly over exaggerated voice so they know I’m joking.  People from our little nook party immediately  start to disperse.

We promise to see each other tomorrow.

I refuse to leave until Erin(2) signs mine.  I wait a few minutes for her to finish up.

There’s only a few people left now.

I wave my hand over my head and part ways.

“Hasta Manana~”

I say.

End of Day One.

MICHELLINATOR OUT -

I just needed some time off.

It’s an internal thing.  Everything’s an internal thing.  I was (am) insecure and I didn’t want to do anything like that.  I didn’t want to invest myself in something and totally hate the end result.  (I still wince when I look at my video sometimes)

But, I do need something to do, and I find myself spending a lot of time on the computer browsing around and organizing things because, hey well I’m good at that.

And I’m better at letting go now.  It’s still easy to get attached but it’s also easy to let life do what life does best.  Change.  And there’s nothing wrong with letting yourself soak in what happens now and then take it away tomorrow.  My project(s) are going to reflect change.  So I’m going to keep it constantly updated.  Things are going to be taken down and things are going to be put up because that’s how life is and I want it to be like that.

I’ve rearranged the posters in my room to allow my walls to be filled with new pictures and I’m more than prepared to take them down.

I don’t want to look back and have nothing to show for the years I’ve been young.  I want to have those pictures and I want to be able to take them down.  I want a record of today so I can look back at it tomorrow.

And sometimes, my words just aren’t enough.

So who’s going to watch you die?

Or anything to do.

I get out of the house a little more, bike around town every couple of days, but it’s not really satisfying enough.  I mean, it’s great because I’m finally doing something about my ridiculous unhealthy lifestyle but it’s not what I’m looking for.  Not that I’m going to stop biking, I really do need to get healthy, but I feel like something is missing.

And I’m really really tired of the yelling.  I used to just let it be but now I just want them to stop.  I wish the world could be silent forever, as peaceful as it usually is at night.  When everyone’s sleeping there is no yelling, and god that is amazing.  There’s still sound but there’s only silence.  It was really silly of me to think that things would start to change.

I sleep in the daytime, I sleep a lot in the daytime and I hate it, absolutely hate it, when they yell because that wakes me up and I’m a crazy bitch when I’m woken up earlier than expected.  I go batshit crazy to the point where I don’t really feel like I have a lot of control over what I’m saying (mostly curses) or what I do (Stomp around the house yelling at people) and I hate to yell.  I’m DONE with yelling.  Yelling from me, yelling from everyone else and jesus can I please just have a moment of peace.  Even as I write this there is someone scratching on my doornob playing with it because they think it’s fun and it’s fucking irritating the hell out of me, and there’s yelling from the otherside, “Don’t bother your cousin” well guess what, you’re bothering me, you’re all bothering me.

I love my music and that’s usually enough to block out the extra noise but sometimes you just want to let things be, you know?  Sometimes you just want to listen to nothing, to just sit there and think.  I can’t do that in here and I hate that I have no where else to go.  They’ve tainted my sanctuary.

I wish the walls were thicker in this house, and I’m sure my neighbors do too.  They probably hate us, someone is always yelling or the TV is on at an extremely high volume, or something is being smashed or broken or the baby is crying etcetera.

I feel like I’m the only sane one in this house sometimes.  Even my dad gets all angry paranoid freak on us(where do you think I get it from?)

And that sucks.

I’m going to sleep right now and hopefully I’ll sleep until tomorrow.

xD

Yeah, lame post but I can barely type.  I’m in for an early night.

I barely got my application in on time because I’ve just been out of it.  I think it’s the Spring, or maybe it’s the Post-Spring break feeling.  I haven’t really gotten back into the groove of school and with state testing next week I don’t think I’ll get back into the groove till next school year.  Everyone knows the days that follow state testing is a complete joke.  Especially if you go to my school.  Classes get canceled for no reason, entire days are taken out and replaced with “Diversity Day” and the “Constitutional Convention” ect.

We’re just counting down the days till summer. (44 days left)

I’m not sure if time is speeding up or slowing down.  It kind of feels like both.  It feels like a lot of things have happened and things seem so far off but there’s so much more left to go through.  It’s so weird.  It’s like “Oh my god, when did it become April?” and “Oh my god when will school end” at the same time.  I can’t describe it.

I find that if I have something to look forward to every week it seems to go by faster.  I’m focusing on TV shows and my Tweet-A-Thons.  It gives me something to do and it connects me to people without actually having to be with people.  I like it, and I love them (the people) they are people I care about but I can finally interact with them in an environment where I am completely comfortable.

It just makes me feel closer to them.

Thursday tomorrow.  My least favorite day of the week.  Especially now that I can’t see Nora’s pretty face D:  I miss all the TSM, they made my days and sometimes I really need that.

I think we all need a little something to perk us up.  It’s that time of year when everyone is just burned out.

But I need to get myself into shape because the next couple of weeks will be kind of busy.  Summer plans are getting finalized, school projects need to be worked on (honors bio project -.-) starting my garden on Saturday (YES!), I’m starting to bike for exercise (missed Monday and Today because of the rain, hopefully Friday will be better), writing projects, NaNo planning (I’m drawing blanks), importing and exporting music (need to get that album to Zach, need to make a CD for my friends birthday), and a new photoproject.

I don’t know how I’m going to get that all done in between school and my naps (Always a priority, usually the first priority) but hey we’ll figure it out.  And it’ll give me something to do, maybe I’ll have so much to do the days will just speed by.

(Today I woke up at 6 and it was POURING, then I went back to sleep and woke up an hour later it was ridiculously sunny and nice out, at 10 I was in class by the portables and when class ended I had to walk back in the rain because it suddenly started raining, an hour and a half later the sun was out again and not a single cloud was in sight.  /confused)

I don’t really know why I want to start gardening, I’m totally useless, lazy and completely terrified of garden pests.  Maybe I’m just trying to get over my fears.  Who knows?  Maybe I just need a new hobby that doesn’t include writing.  I’ve fallen into another weird writing mood.  It’s the Iwanttowritebutnothingcomesoutgood mood and that always sucks.

I can’t even blog well.  I’m jumpy, there’s no organization and everything I’m talking about seems so pointless.  There’s not a lot I want to get off my chest because I don’t do enough to have things on my chest.  I’ve basically isolated myself into a safe little corner.  It’s gotten to the point where people just assume I don’t want any contact so they close the door for me.  I’ve been trying to be more open but conversations just seem more and more strained as time goes on.

Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal really, things come and go.  Moods do too, I’ll just wait for this one to go.

It’s not that I really want to suddenly become social, it’s more like I just want to do something good for me.  I want to be more open to the world, go outside even if it’s for a solitary walk, and I figured that starts with an open door.  So I’ve been opening my door, but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be to keep it open.  Cigarette smoke rises and enters my room, noise carries on from the kitchen, screaming children…list goes on.

No one said it was easy but at least I’m trying.  It’s hard for me but everything starts with a step I guess.

This is my step.

Overall, I’ve been feeling pretty good.  Really relaxed and rejuvenated.  We’ll see how long that lasts.  A week can last forever if you let it.

Or maybe it’s just a – Michelle gap.  No one really seems to understand the way my head wraps around things.

I’m feeling kind of bummed that the weekend is over (and annoyed that my mom just walked in and wafted in a huge wad of smoke on her tail, ick)

I’m not ready for it to end!

I feel like it just started.  Maybe I just really don’t want to go back to school.  No one really takes it seriously after Spring Break anyway…you know if they took it seriously before.  It’s just kind of dull and no one really wants to be there.  I wish they would turn off the lights and open up the shades sometimes.  Let the sun in!  We love it, we soak it up!  But nooooo…they just bitch at us when we want to let some light in.

You’d think they’d love us for lowering the electricity bill or something.

Anywho, I spent the majority of today slacking off and sorting stuff.  AND I got my homework done at a reasonable hour.  I’m on top of things today.  I went through and sorted out all of my photos (I have a lot but I don’t have a lot…if that makes any sense) and gussied up my room a bit.  I still have a bunch of stuff I’ve been putting off that I need to do (put Bmin/e into my computer and send it to Zach, finish my story, start that gardenthing…) but today felt like a good sunday.  It was pretty nice out, went for a short bike ride and talked to a few people from RoadTrip Nation.

Yup, Roadtrip nation.

So cool.  I am totally aware that no one knows what Roadtrip Nation is because no one past the age of 10 actually watches PBS anymore but I love it.  And I’ll talk about it on friday when I make my video for the sexymacs.  At least, I think I’ll talk about it on Friday.  Hopefully I won’t forget.

*shrug*

Anyway, I’m going to head off to bed early tonight.

Nighty Night world.

(You know, the only thing missing from this blog is one of those “current mood” things.  I really like them. :\)