Runaway like a Prodigal

I’m a runner, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I am.  I’m not a runner in the sense that I actually run professionally or recreationally.  I’m a runner in the sense that I flee.  When it comes to the fight or flight response it’s just so much easier to run.  It’s less trouble, and it doesn’t matter how much I want to fight, which is a lot actually, I still run.  Because running is logically the best thing you can do.  The consequences aren’t as harsh if you run.  No one else gets hurt if you run.  So I run.  I don’t want to blame anyone, so I run.  I tend to take out my anger on the people around me and the easiest way to fix that is to just leave.

So I do.

But sometimes I wish I didn’t.  Or rather, I wish I didn’t have to.  Sometimes, I just want some comfort, but I just don’t know how to express it, which makes me even more angry but instead of blaming it on myself I want to blame it on the people around me.  It’s usually not their fault, but they don’t help it.  If anything they just pour some salt on my wound.  It feels like they’re mocking me.  I can’t express my feelings very well face to face.  In fact, I can’t express my feelings at all face to face, but a lot of them can, and it bothers me.  Because, as selfish as it sounds, it feels as if half of the stuff they freak out over or overreact and cry over while their friends give them comfort is so much smaller than the crap I’m going through and I don’t have someone to comfort me.  What kind of human being feels like that!? It’s terrible and makes me feel even worse which makes me just clam up and shut up, because I don’t want to be like them, overreacting and crying over nothing.  It doesn’t help, if anything this whole not talking about how I feel is my fault.

I guess I’m just jealous.

So I flee, in an attempt to calm down or to shed enough tears till I feel better.  I flee so I’m not bothering anyone with my so called issues.

I flee to my sanctuary at home where I rest and read Harry Potter, who always gives me the comfort and warmth I want so badly.  I’m not even supposed to be home yet, but I am.  I guess I’m skipping school but I’m really not.  I don’t have any classes for the rest of the day so I figured I’ll be okay.

I’m so tired of not feeling anything.  Most of the time I’m a zombie, just walking through life and school and dealing with it all.  Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I make myself think happy thoughts and allow myself to be content with the thought of going forward and not looking back.  I find comfort in the fact that I cannot change the past and that I can only wait for the future.  Other times, I just feel physically and mentally drained from life.  Days like today are when I can find no solace in my head and must retreat to my sanctuary, or my secret hiding spots to get away from people

The title of this post comes from this song here.

Go have a listen and see if you spot anything interesting.