One Day I’ll Write About Different Things.

I feel like crap.  I feel lower than low and I hate it.  I wish I could just be the happy go lucky person I try to be.  Obviously it doesn’t work.  I’m such a negative nelly all the time and everyday I lose my patience for people and things.  I think I’m harboring a  lot of anger but I don’t have any energy left to actually be angry.  There’s so many things I should be doing right now other than staring off to space and feeling sorry for myself.  I have homework, room cleaning, and novel writing to get to.  Not to mention all the blogs I missed out on reading this month (sorry for that by the way) but I really don’t feel like doing anything but crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of my life.

I got called into the office by my freshman English teacher on Wednesday (Who’s now our lead facilitator) because she was concerned about me.  Apparently she sees me wandering around the school looking utterly hopeless all the time, she didn’t really say it like that but it was more or less where she was going with it.  She called my guidance councilor in too who I happened to be close with as well.  We took a walk and talked for a bit, she kept referencing to depression, I vehemently denied it.  Just because I’m in a depressive state of mind doesn’t necessarily mean I’m depressed, maybe I am but we can’t jump to crazy conclusions just yet.

I think I’ve just been slumpy lately.

We talked about a lot of things, lots of things I’m not going to blog about here because half of it was repeats of things I’ve already said and I can’t really recall the other half.

I’m kind of stressed out and I haven’t been stressed out in forever, mainly because stress isn’t something I want to deal with so I just don’t get stressed.  I’m stressed out because my friend – my science partner, decided to completely bail on me for my honors biology project.  It sucks and now I have to do it all on my own and finish it by Monday.  This isn’t the first time it’s happened, I’ve had 3 partner projects this year and every single one of them bailed on me in some way.  The first guy didn’t even show up to school, the second girl was a friend of mine who desperately needed a partner, and the third one (the current one) is a friend who asked me to be her partner.  She’s a relatively new friend of mine so I thought, “why not?”

Now I remember why I hate partner projects so much.  People are just unreliable.  Sometimes it’s not their fault.  We’re forgetful, I’m forgetful, we’re only human, but how hard is it to agree to do something and actually show up?  Or how about a phone call “I can’t today I’m busy”  Anything.  Instead of stupid excuses like “I didn’t have my phone on me” because she always has her phone on her.

I’m so done with some of the people in my life.  We’re just miserable together, or at least I’m miserable when I’m with them.

It’s just hard when you care about these people so much that you just can’t be done with them because they are your friends after all.  It’s even harder when your just so lonely in a crowd of people.  My guidance councilor thinks that the reason I like being alone so much is because when I’m alone I chose to be alone and I’d rather chose to be alone than expecting to be with people but feeling alone anyway, she says “nothing is worse than being alone in a crowd of people.”

I think she’s right.

This post is slightly depressing, I think I’m going to go now and finish that biology poster.  Even though I really don’t want to.  I’m really close to just not doing it and having her drop me from honors.